The Pain Method (a brief sketch)

The Pain Method

by Sheri Grutz

The Pain Method (a brief sketch)

Lights up on a doctor's office, with a woman wearing nurse's gear, and a young man sitting on the exam table.

I don't know, with the medication, it just feels like I'm not having any thoughts at all.
How often does this occur?
Only when I'm thinking about it.
Hmm. Well, we do have to get answers from you somehow.
I know, I'm here to report.
You don't have to do a thing...this here is my own special smart meter.
I'd rather not know my IQ.
It's very simple, just sit still, I'm going to scan your forehead. (pause) (she reads the smart meter) Well, the frequency is very high, and that be why I'm getting Bon Jovi, Livin' on a Prayer.
I heard it on the way here.
Let me just try right above your right ear. (pause, then she reads it again) Now the frequency is low, but I'm getting a Billy Collins poem.
I had to memorize it for class.
This isn't the kind of information we need. We're looking for secrets here, memories, proof that the mafia is your blood. Let me try it again to the back of your head. (pause, then she reads the meter) Darn it, I'm getting pornographic images, but wait, we might be getting close. (suddenly she hits him to the back of the head)
Oww.
(she scans his head again) Yes, who's the politician in your thoughts.
The only one I can think of is my first cousin. I ran into him at the store yesterday, literally, I ran into him while I was texting and walking.
Did it hurt? Because the pain to the head reminded you of more pain.
My head hit the door.
I'm getting a reading of his name, and a wikipedia entry on him. He was involved in sex trafficking back in the 80's.
I don't believe that.
It came from your own brain. Are you lying?
Those aren't my thoughts.
We're going to try something different. I want to scan your heart to get more of your deep set feelings.
Now don't hurt my feelings.
Never. Ok...(pause, she scans his chest) Well the frequency is very, very low, and what's this, I'm getting a reading of kittens. ?
My girlfriend brought some home they were giving away.
Do you love her?
I wasn't especially happy.
Hmm. Let's try this again from your back. (Pause, she scans his back) Oh wow, we really are getting nowhere, because it's showing me Heavenly Host.
God is love. (suddenly she punches him in the chest) Ouch. I thought you said you wouldn't do that again.
(she scans his chest) Hmmm, yes, now I'm getting demons. This process might work well with a priest, and I can consider that before your next appointment. But I'm giving up for today. And now, how to pay for it. You have no insurance, so I'm going to scan your hand.
I got money in there.
(pause, she scans his hand) Not enough to cover it, it's showing me a balance $111, and this visit costs $200. I'm getting an option for payment, do you want me to select your credit card.
I guess.
Hang on (she suddenly slaps him over the hand)
Owww, geez you never let up do ya.
It's fading out, I'm going to scan again. There. Okay, I got your payment. We're through for today.
And what do you think about me having a blank slate all the time.
It's better than not having enough room.
Recall has always been a hard thing.
The pain method makes it easier.
So abuse opens abuse, huh?
Something like that. You can find your way out, right? (she is playing with the smart meter)
Yes. (pause) Well, I do get out, right?
Of course you get out. Everybody gets out.
Alright. Just checking.



(he walks off stage, while the nurse continues pushing buttons on the smart meter. Lights out. The end.)