Making the Case for Newspapers (a brief sketch)

Making the Case for Newspapers (a brief sketch)

by Sheri Grutz

Stage is set up casual apartment living room, with a back stage door. Enter John's friend. John is sitting on the couch with stacks of newspapers.

FRIEND

What are you doing?

JOHN

I'm cutting out newspaper headlines. I'm taking them to my lawyer.

Hmm, that's news to me.

Look at this one: Jobs Galore. It's a comment on all my applications.

I know you know how to apply yourself.

Seriously, man, they directly comment about my life.

All I have to do is open up the book Three Poems by John Ashberry, and I find a line written about me.

That's poetry though, this is the media. And something else, when I look at all the pictures in the newspaper upside down, it's an optical illusion of aliens.

Sure they're not illegals, that's in the news a lot.

I'll show them legal, I'm getting my lawyer involved. He'll be here any minute.

He makes house calls?

He's checking for bugs and cameras.

It sounds more like a private investigator.

Nothing is private anymore.

I'll tell ya what, let's do a little trick. Let's wrap all these Christmas gifts in all this newspaper, and see if they know who it's from by the headlines and pictures.

I'm the only one who understands this though, they won't get the message.

It's the thought that counts.

They don't think the way I do.

Do you think it's a thought disorder?

Yeah, I've been dissed with orders.

Knock on the door. (Come in) Enter lawyer.

Hello gentlemen. I brought my gyrofling. It can pick up anything.

Sounds like a good fling.

Let me just scan around the apartment.

(background noise of buzzing, then an alarm going off. Lawyer walks back the two young men, and the alarm shuts off)

What does that mean?

It means that you have hardware in here.

Yeah he's hard alright.

What do you have here?

All the newspaper headlines.

You are a hard one. What am I supposed to do with all this?

You get the grand connection, the grand conspiracy.

So the grand marshall knows you?

Probably.

You can deactivate all the hardware in here. All you have to do is use silent sound. You won't hear it, but it will screw up the reception. Stop by my office and pick up the speakers. And by the way, the only thing those newspapers clippings are good for is paper machete.

You knew I'd turn it into something creative.

It's a far stretch of the imagination.

I've been stretched too far.

You could turn them into poetry too.

I need poetic justice.

I'm going to be going now. Don't forget to stop by. I think your paranoia about being watched will be eliminated, and then you can read the paper again.

It's nothing but bad news anyway.

I know, you're a bad dude. (he exits out the back stage door)

You know, John, maybe nobody watches it.

I know they don't.

No, I mean the cameras, the bugs, the hardware he was talking about.

They got one eye on, one eye off.

Maybe they're cross eyed, confused, wondering, need help.

I'm sure they are.

I got something else we can do with these newspaper clippings.

What's that?

Use them to dry our boots right inside the door.

They've already walked all over me.

Sure, we can stuff our boots too, if they get too wet.

Alright, alright. I'm done with this.

But they're not done with you, right?

That's right. Let's go pick up the speakers.

And some craft supplies, right?

It's a sticky situation.

And listen, John, I've got a hand for you.

Appreciate it.

No really, I've got to hand it to you, you sure do believe something without backing down.

I'll take your guys suggestions.

Now that's something hot off the press.

Let's go.

(the two young men throw on their coats, and walk out the back stage door. Lights out. The end.)