This is Only a Test (a brief sketch)

This is Only a Test (a brief sketch)

by Sheri Grutz

Lights up on small, messy living room apartment, books everywhere, a fan, and on the couch sits Chris, with various objects on the coffee table in front of him. Enter Jake from side stage.

JAKE

What are you doing?

CHRIS

I'm making water rise. I took rocks out of the landscaping.

JAKE

What for?

CHRIS

When it gets to room temperature, my finger in it will turn red.

JAKE

And that's proof, huh?

CHRIS

Just my own little experiment. I am my own light, just gotta bring it out.

JAKE

What about this here? (he points to things on the coffee table)

CHRIS

The periwinkle will turn into a star when I told this in my hand with the red finger.

JAKE

Another experiment.

CHRIS

We're dealing with space here, right, planets and stars and satellites, you know, deep space.

JAKE

We could use some space in here.

CHRIS

It will turn into a star right before your eyes with this fan blowing on it.

JAKE

Then what?

CHRIS

I prove space weapons exist.

When I'm done with this, I'm going to magnify the dust in the apartment.

JAKE

That should be an easy one. This place is a mess.

CHRIS

It's mainly on the books, but who ever said anything about turning the page.

JAKE

Certainly not you.

CHRIS

I want to tell if we are dealing with life here, or there. Dust settles, but it comes from the air.

JAKE

You might find dust mites. One of the oldest living creatures.

CHRIS

This is really all new though, the intersection between outer space and earth.

(pause) I'm also going to suck on some pennies, then nickels, and I'm pretty sure when I do, my hair will get all staticky, and stand on end.

Because of the properties hitting my blood stream, they might even bubble in my mouth.

JAKE

You know, don't go overboard with this stuff. You're no scientist.

CHRIS

The best ones experimented on themselves. I have to get proof somehow.

I've also found, when dealing with head pain, open the windows. That's why I get it so bad in the winter, the air needs to come in.

JAKE

I thought you told me the air is too dry.

CHRIS

It is. That's why I stop washing my hair in winter. Unless to stop the frequency. (pause) You know, Jake, I really want to test my blood too.

JAKE

Oh no.

CHRIS

For foreign matter, chemicals, you know, space.

JAKE

Maybe let the labs handle that.

CHRIS

I'm surprised we're not all lead poisoned.

JAKE

Well, I hope you are recording all of this in some little black book.

CHRIS

Sure am. I'll so each experiment over and over, and also try to get pictures.

JAKE

And then what?

CHRIS

I take it to a lawyer.

JAKE

I guess they've always said, you've got to have proof.

CHRIS

Think of this, outer space coursing through my body, is it too far out there.

JAKE

It's out there, alright.

I'm going to my room to play guitar awhile. Good luck.

CHRIS

Wait, Jake, you know how we're taking heavy metals out of the water with our water filter?

JAKE

Yes.

CHRIS

I want to test my urine too.

JAKE

I'm pretty sure your kidneys filter all that.

CHRIS

Not effectively though.

I'm thinking if I add the right particle, the urine will turn green.

JAKE

You're a Space Cowboy, aren't ya?

CHRIS

Well, the fact that we can stay alive with this stuff...it's amazing.

JAKE

Carry on, Chris. And I hope for good discoveries.

CHRIS

Thanks, man. I've got nothing better to do today. Remember, the sky starts at the ground.

JAKE

You've already tried that too, grounding yourself.

CHRIS

Might try it again, with a heavy leaded vest on.

JAKE

It's worth a try.

CHRIS

Everything. Everything is worth a try.

JAKE

Yep. You never know til you try. (he walks off stage)

Chris continues to stare at his water filled with rocks, and he tests the outside of the glass for it's temperature. He does not look up. Lights out. The end.