Stage is set like a lab with wooden
desks, and tons of chemical equipment. Lights up with the man in a
white jacket talking with his two patients, a young man, and a young
woman.
Velcome, Velcome to
my factory, my mishion, my occupaaation.
There's nowhere to
sit down.
That's vecause you
vare not in de audience, no worries, this study vill be recorded.
Is that for going
back in time?
Nah, nah, tis for
proof. And so var, you have not proven yourselves.
I've got my proof
of auto insurance, will that do?
Hmmm, vaybe, vaybe.
And I've got proof
of a title to my car.
Ahhh, yes,
autoooomobiles. Please sign that you accept me az your master.
Oh for Pete's sake.
Alright then, let's
get on vith it. You have come here to rid yourself of ailment called
schizofrenzia. No?
That is correct.
Yes, yes, now this
vill be a bery simple process, just a few cells from the inside of
your cheeks. I vill put the swabs in the vat, and vait one meenute.
Please do no chew on de swab.
Can I be tested for
HIV at the same time?
Nah. Nope. De vat
does not recocknize dat. Alright then, all done. Now I vill seal de
vat, and ve vill vait vhile listening to patriotic songs. Ok, now
vit is teeme to open the vat. (he puts his hands inside, then pulls
them back out with finger puppets on the first fingers that look
exactly like the two patients there) Vhat is theese? Ve have
produced your DNA into finger puppets, you noteece the resemballence?
(They look
dismayed) Is this a child's game...I could have told you already
that I'm a puppet.
(He moves the first
finger as if talking) Is vhis a childn't game...I could have told
you already that I'm a puppet. And vhat does the gurl say?
The girl wants to
give you the finger.
Ahhhh. (he moves
the middle finger as if talking) De gurl vants to give you de
finger.
What is the point
in this?
(he moves index
finger as if talking) Vhat is de point in dis?
Alright I'm
leaving.
Vait! Vait,
please. I tell you vhat ve can dooo. Vatch.....young laydy, I snap
you. (he makes motion with middle finger with puppet on it and makes
a snapping sound) Dhere, no?
You know I do feel
like my eyes have lost the haze.
Ahhh yes. And you
young man, I can deepe you in cold cream, like dis. (he dips his
index finger in the cream set there)
My head has cleared
somewhat.
Alright, goooood.
De best theeng I can do when connnducking my experiements, is to
cross me fingers. Like this. (He crosses the finger puppets)
Can I have a hug?
Sure!
De next theeng I do
for laak is knock on wood. Like dis. (he folds in the finger
puppets and knocks hard on the wooden desk) (both patients the air
chain saw motion over and over, then stop) Ahh yes, ve are triing
no? And finally, I vant to test the wind of change. (He pulls his
fingers together tight and upright, and the two patients stand
straight still right beside each other) Vell, vhat are de odds?
I never date a
schizophrenic.
I never date men.
Well, de truth is,
I do not know how to cure schizofrenzia. I never haaave known. But
vhat ve learned today tis..... just play along. No?
I still want to
give you the finger.
And I still want to
point things out to you.
(he reaches back
into the vat, gets rid of the finger puppets) Hmmm, vhat tis theese?
(he pulls out an unused condom) Well, I think you vere tested for
HIV. Yep, all tis safe.
How much are we
getting paid for this research study?
Nothing! But ve
did study vith no test at the end.
I would have failed
anyway, I'm a complete failure.
Passed vith
fleeeing colors!
I hope I didn't get
too cheeky with you.
It vill be
desspossed of.
Remember, my vat
tis never wrong.
Well that's good.
Except vhen I triii
making soufelle in it. Come back, anytime.
At least I made a
friend.
Yeah, you wanna get
a drink?
Sure. How about a
little salty finger to go with that.
You got it.
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