The Yes Man
by Sheri Grutz
The Yes Man (a
brief sketch)
Stage is set with a long metal
table, and one good sized young man is sitting at the end of the
table. Lights up and Enter an older man in professional attire who
sits down at the opposite end of the table.
He sets down a football helmet and a
large remote control device.
What do your
friends call you?
Ditto.
Alright, Ditto, do
you know why you're here?
No, I don't.
All you have to do
is answer some questions.
I only answer to my
Bunny.
My friends call me
Dawg, will that do?
Hmmm, I suppose.
I've heard that you
play football, so I'd like to start by having you put this on.
You're not wearing
one too?
I'm already pretty
hard headed, and besides I don't play games.
(he puts on the
helmet) Alright, so you think in this sport that
when you go around
stealing the ball all the time, it means you
can steal magazines
from the library?
Don't know what
you're talking about.
Did You Steal
Magazines From The Library?
No!
(he points the
remote control device at his head, and pushes a button in dramatic
fashion)
Okay! Okay. Yes.
That's some nasty head pain right there.
(he sets down the
remote control device) (young man visibly becomes better)
We know for a fact
that you have stolen books from the library.
Don't know what
you're talking about.
Did You Steal Books
From The Library?
No!(he points the
device at his head, and pushes a different button) Oww, my pecker
just got big.
Answer the
question.
Alright, Yes. Yes,
I have.
There really is no
paper trail, but we know that you have made copies at the library,
and not paid for them. You've basically stolen all over again, is
this right?
Don't know what
you're talking about.
(he points the
device at his head, and pushes a different button in dramatic
fashion)
Alright, stop!
Yes. Yes, I have. There's ringing in my ears.
(he sets the device
down)(young man visibly becomes better)
And the final
question is, we know you have stolen copyrighted material from the
library, and copied it for your own use, this is correct, no?
Don't know what
you're talking about.
(he points the
remote control at his head, and pushes a different button)
Whoah. I think I'm
going to throw up, so much nausea. Alright, stop! Yes. The answer
is Yes. I have.
(he sets down the
device) (young man visibly becomes better)
So, we learned a
lot today. You went from not knowing a thing, to being a total Yes
Man.
There's a trap in
that little contraption you've got there.
Libraries across
the country are cracking down.
So what's my
sentence?
This is only the
beginning, but we can let you go with a surveillance bracelet on your
wrist. You must wear it at all times, even in the shower. Kami will
fit you with one in HR. Welcome to the program.
The program?
Don't you mean the pomp-I-am?
Well, you're now
officially on our list. This was just a trial run. From now on, you
won't be needing a helmet to turn into a Yes Man.
Will I be screaming
it in bed?
Yes.
Will I be asked if
I'm in the program?
Yes.
Will I say to Bunny
if she asks me?
Yes.
Yes! That's the
answer! I admit though, it wasn't easy.
Admitting to crimes
is never easy.
I guess I'll be
going now.
You won't get far.
Except all the way
down the field, right?
Yes.
Yes!
Yes.
Young man gets up, takes the helmet
off and walks off stage with squinting eyes. Older man velcros the
remote control to one of his belt loops, hanging there like a gun,
and then he walks off stage
looking tired.
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